Stop having sex!

I have been stewing about how to write this blog today without completely offending my Swazi brothers and sisters, but still speaking the truth in love about “fatherhood” in this beautiful Kingdom, on Father's Day weekend.

When the topics of sex, incest, rape or abuse come up, I seem to snap pretty quickly, and often lash out verbally to anyone in listening distance.  Last week I was told that a young woman whom I care for very much (who has a baby already) was having a sexual relationship with another worker.  I quickly pulled her in to a room and asked her what she was thinking?  I reminded her (not that she needed reminding) that she already is a teenage mother and is living in a country with the highest HIV rate in the world.  I asked if the guy was worth it, then left a long, pregnant (pardon the pun) pause.  She eventually said, “no”.   My final words to her were, “STOP HAVING SEX OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE!" 

But the truth is, these men are telling these young women how much the love them. “Love” here means “sex”.  If someone says, “I love you”, it means “I want to have sex with you.” 

Everyone wants to be loved. This is not a Swazi phenomenon.  God is love.  The bible tells us so and I believe that it is the greatest of all human emotions, so why shouldn’t it be okay?

One of the ways that a Swazi woman shows a man that she loves him is by having children for/with him. They are his property (and so is she if they actually marry), but this “possessive” relationship has provided a sense of security to woman for generations, in a country where women have very few rights of their own.  Sadly, there is no law that prevents a man from forcing his wife to have sex with him, even if she knows he is HIV positive, drunk or covered in STD’s.  But I will say that the domestic violence police are working hard to educate men to not beat or sexually abuse their wives, while lawyers are working to create laws that make beating and marital rape illegal.

When we receive a baby through Social Welfare the child typically comes with a health card.  The health card is their “identity card” until we get a birth certificate made.  MANY (most?) of our babies have no fathers name on the card.  OR, worse than that, the fathers name has been changed several times.  It always hurts my heart when I see the name crossed out and another one, or two, written in. 

But here’s the good news.  These babies (and all of us) have a heavenly father whose name does not get crossed out, ever.  Our earthly fathers may abuse us, abandon us,  be too busy for us, put their jobs before us or whatever their faults as human beings may be. But Jesus is always there.  He will never leave us nor forsake us. Jeremiah 29:11 tells us exactly what our heavenly Father has in mind for us. He says, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

As we continue to live and serve in Swaziland, my prayer is that we can help disciple, and model what love between a man and a woman looks like. Both Ian and I were blessed to be raised in families with a loving mother and father and we have done the same for Spencer and Chloe. It doesn't mean that our marriage or our parenting has been perfect, but we have learned to "err on the side of grace" as Ian often says, and that has worked well.  We can't "fix" the problem here, nor are we here to judge, but we are here to encourage, educate and love.

 

Cooking class in Thailand with the family. 

As we all celebrate Father’s Day this weekend, please pray for hope for all who are suffering around the world.  We will be praying for you too.

Live from Swaziland … happy Father’s Day to Ian Maxwell: father to 2 + 123=125 children!

Janine

PS – if you want to give your dad a special gift this Fathers Day we are looking for Smoke Detectors for our children’s homes from our Canadian friends and help to buy a Tire Changer from our friends in the US. 

"Let's talk about sex": the debate topic with all 280+ Project Canaan employees last Friday.

This poster was translated in to siSwati and posted around the farm to promote the (mandatory) event.

For months we have been working on how to go to a deeper level of discipleship and education of all of the Swazi’s we work with at Project Canaan.  If you read my blog from November 7^th you will get an understanding of that plan - http://janinemaxwell.blogspot.com/2015/11/no-you-are-not-allowed-to-grab-her.html.

Yesterday our many meetings and planning sessions resulted in what we called “The Great Debate”, and yes, it was mostly about sex. 

There was a women’s team and a men’s team with a representative from all departments on each team.  The debate topics came from challenges and issues that Swazi’s face everyday and that need to be taken out of darkness and brought in to the light.  We also had a panel of Judges/Moderators who are well known in the country and very knowledgeable and vocal in the areas of discussion.

My wonderful "Project Canaan Social Safety Team".

Our biggest challenge was that we wanted to be able to have EVERYONE who works at Project Canaan involved or in attendance and that is not possible when you have 104 babies who need care.   Solution?  Do the debate when we have a group of 19 willing and able volunteers, combined with our long-term volunteers who live and serve with us daily.  And voila!  All of our caregivers were able to leave the Children’s Campus for 2 hours!!! 

Here were the questions that were debated over a two-hour period.

Question #1

In Swazi culture it seems that women are inferior to men?  Traditionally they stay at home with the children while the men go and work, or go and sit with friends when there is no work.  Women do not have the same rights as a man, and in fact, we have no domestic violence laws that stop men from beating their wives.  We read in the paper that rape of women is at an all       time high and incest is a common occurrence.  But it also appears that Swazi women are stronger than men in many ways. They appear to be the backbone of our society, caring for many children and Grandchildren after the men have died or run away.   The question is: are women inferior to men or are we stronger?  How do you think women should be treated in Swaziland?

All Project Canaan employees.

Question #2

In Swazi culture some people believe it is okay to have sex before marriage and others think that it goes against our culture.  Even those who believe it goes against our culture are having sex before marriage.  It seems that marriage is something from the past and now it is all about having sex.  Even those people who are married are often proposing love to others who are not their husband or wife.  The question is: is it okay to have sex before marriage, and is it okay to have sex with someone other than your husband or wife?  What do you think these decisions mean to the future of our culture?

The men.

Question #3

In Swazi culture it has become common for a man to propose love to a woman with hopes that she will have sex with him.  In our culture it is not okay for a woman to propose love, but sometimes they do it with their eyes, their bodies or how they dress making it impossible for men to not touch them or want to have sex with them.  The question is: what is lust and what is love?  Are they the same thing? 

The women.

There was lots of heated discussion, but most of it was done with grace, respect and a lot of laughter.  Some of the highlights included:

·      The reason men cheat on their wives is because their wives are always complaining that they don’t bring home enough money to put shoes and clothes on the children. So of course they are going to find someone who doesn’t complain.

·      If women didn’t wear short skirts and dress promiscuously they wouldn’t be raped or sexually assaulted. 

·      Men are weak – they can’t help themselves when women wear short skirts.

·      Lust and love are not the same thing. Lust is a sin and love is from God.

·      If you “show it”, you have to “share it” – it was a man’s way of asking women to dress more modestly.

·      Sex before marriage goes against culture and the bible, but …

·      It is wrong that young girls/children are being raped by men because they can’t control themselves.

·      If our behavior doesn’t change then Swaziland will die.

·      We are sinning against God and we must turn from our bad ways and follow him.

·      Of course you should have sex with a man before you get married, to see if he is any good in bed (sigh).

Let me end by saying that this year, more than ever, we need your help. If you have been reading this blog and believe in the work that the Lord has us doing here, I sincerely ask that you make a year end contribution TODAY. The responsibility we carry for more children and all of the workers and their families continues to grow and we simply can’t do it without His provision, through His people … and that is you.

Every dollar that you donate up to $100,000 will be matched again this year and it is fully tax deductible.  Will you consider making a gift today?

In the US https://heartforafrica.secure.force.com/pmtx/cmpgn__donations?id=7011A000001DHGq

In Canada https://www.heartforafrica.ca/2015%20Year%20End%20Giving.aspx

In closing, I would like to share a few photos from today’s Project Canaan Academy Christmas Pageant.  It was awesome, inspiring and magical.  

Traditional Swazi dancing.

Away in a manger.

Hope puts hangs the angel ornament with her name on it.

Live from Swaziland ... thank you Lord for all you are doing in each of our lives.

Janine