Is raising children "women's work"?

Sharing with Dad is important

Next Sunday is Father’s Day and as Ian is father to Spencer and Chloe and also 158 little Swazi children, Father’s Day has become a greater time of reflection for me each year.

I was raised by a wonderful man (Russell Willis) who adopted me (with my mom Bernice) when I was just a baby.  He raised me as his own and provided me with food, shelter, education, opportunity, discipline and love.

I often hear comments about the children at Project Canaan not being raised in a “normal” home with a “real mom and dad”, and how they will suffer because of that.   I find it shocking each and every time because what is “normal” nowadays?  How many people in Canada or the US are being raised by their biological mother and father?  And even when children are raised in a “normal” home, that doesn’t mean the home is healthy or happy. 

I was reading a blog article by Dr. Gail Gross she said, “ Only 20 percent of American households consist of married couples with children. Filling the gap are family structures of all kinds.” 

In 2011 a stat said that 72% of all Swazi children do not have a father in their lives.  I can’t imagine what the current statistic is. 

As many of you know, our eldest children at Project Canaan are 6-year-old twins, Rose and Gabriel.  Each day we are learning and growing as our children grow. Raising 158 is very different than raising two (or six).   Our focus when the children are small babies is primarily health, nutrition and love.  As they get older their emotional, mental and spiritual development becomes more important. 

On thing that remains the same is that we strive to be intentional in everything we do.  We are now reviewing parenting courses that can help us with not only training our staff in how we want our children to be parented, but also forcing us to make parenting decisions all over again!  What is important in THIS culture that may not have been important in Canada in the 1990’s?  What was important to us as we raised Spencer and Chloe that is irrelevant in Swazi culture?  And how do we have fun with our children and our caregivers?

Tickle fights with Dad are important!

My point of today’s blog is that no two families are the same. We all parent differently.  We are all doing the best we can with what we have and what we know.  Our family looks very different than any other around the world, but we are doing the best we can, with what we have and what we know, to raise God-loving, God-fearing children who will contribute to society and change the face of a nation.  God is our heavenly Father and He is the perfect father who never ever lets us down, and we are secure in that knowledge.

I am so grateful for Ian who is a wonderful father to Spencer and Chloe and being intentional to be a Godly role model for our other 158+.  I am grateful for the Swazi men who God has brought to us to be big brothers and uncles to be positive role models for our children.  And I am grateful for our male volunteers (single and married) who are investing in the lives of our children and showing them what Godly men look like.

Having fun with Dad is important.

Raising children is NOT woman’s work. It takes a village to raise a child, and a village requires men and women to be strong and courageous together, whether they have been blessed with one child or a village of children.  Raising children is not for sissies either, it is hard work, all the time, so let us encourage one other, and build each other up, not tear each other down.

One more thing – we have added some educational tools and materials to our Amazon Baby registry. Feel free to shop for books, textbooks, teaching aids and, of course diapers and wipes.  US shoppers click here.  We are no longer accepting items for the Canadian container as it ships next week.  Canadian shoppers will need to access the US site please.   THANK YOU!

Live from Swaziland … I am thankful for the men in my life.

Janine

Why would a father do that to a child?

My dad with Spencer and Chloe at the cottage at Watebeag Lake.

On Monday I had the privilege to attend an official event celebrating the International Day of the African Child.  The theme for this year is “Eliminating harmful social and cultural practices affecting children: Our collective responsibility”.  Prime Minister Dr. Barnabas Dlamini and Deputy Prime Minister Themba Masuku both gave outstanding speeches defending the rights of Swazi children and calling the nation to protect the children of the Kingdom, but it was the students themselves who spoke that took my breath away, and sucked all the air out of the room over and over again.

I write this blog in honor and memory of my father, Russell F. Willis who passed away on February 13, 2005.  He was a kind man and, while I was adopted by him and my mom as a baby, he loved and cared for me and protected me as a treasure given to him by God.  I wish all the children of the world could have a father like my father. 

This is another tough blog to write because what I heard on Monday was tough to hear.  I was hoping to get a copy of each speech given by each student so that I could post their words directly and not have to summarize them, but alas, that has not been possible so I will summarize what I heard a few of the children say about their fathers.

The issue of “Swazi culture” was spoken of in repetition. Each Swazi student reflected back on what Swazi culture used to be like before everything changed.  They spoke highly of polygamist marriages where a man only took another wife if he could provide for her and her children.  They spoke of growing up with many siblings from several mothers who all lived in harmony and shared the love of their father, shared his food, his property and his belongings. They spoke of love and marriage and the custom of a man seeking a woman’s hand in marriage and then giving a gift of “Lobola” (cows) to the woman’s father to thank him for taking such good care of his new bride and allowing her to remain a virgin.  They spoke of times when children may be orphaned, but the community would protect those vulnerable children against harm.

But then the culture started to change, fathers started to change and children became vulnerable.

I heard a young girl tell a story of being one of many children, from multiples wives that his father had taken, even though he had no job or money to care for any of them. She spoke of being hated by her siblings, by the other wives of her father and eventually hated by her father who spent his days drinking and abusing everyone around him.  This same young girl lashed out about fathers who have started having sex with their young daughters claiming that they are only doing it to prepare their daughter to be a good wife for her husband.  That same girl collapsed in tears behind the podium half way through her speech and had to be rescued and removed by a teacher and the head of the event.  She came back and finished the speech later, and it was heard in dead silence by the crowd who had gathered including the highest levels of government.

Prime Minister Dr. Barnabas Dlamini

I another young girl talked about her friend who was taken out of high school so that she could be married off to a man twice her fathers age. It is a practice called “Kwendzisa” and the girl said that having girl children has become good business.  It used to be that young men would court young women and the families would be involved in helping the young couple get established.  Now, fathers are selling their young girls for cattle so that they can increase their personal wealth with no regard for the girl’s safety or happiness.

Each student got up and spoke with such power and force that the room almost shook, but at the same time there was a deafening silence from the truth they spoke that made the room freeze.  These students spoke truth about THEIR culture to THEIR government officials and THEIR leaders and THEIR teachers and begged for help and protection.

I couldn't stay and listen any more.  I was confused, shocked, in pain and ashamed to be an adult sitting in that room.  But I was so very proud of the students who shared their own pain, grief and torment publically in order to have change made.

Just before I decided to leave there was a young man who got up and spoke about his parents dying and him being left alone to be cared for by his uncle.  He said his uncle beat him mercilessly on a daily basis often making him unable to walk.  One day his uncle came to him and said he was tired of beating him, so instead, he sodomized him.  There was a collective gasp in the room and all the air seemed to be taken away.  The boy went on to say that he was not able to sit on a chair for a week. The uncle came at him again the following week, but this time the boy fought back and then ran to the local officials to report this crime.  Rather than getting support from them, they beat him and rebuked him for reporting such a thing. They told him he was not being respectful of his uncle and that he should never say such things. Instead it should be “Tibi tendlu” or “swept under the mat”, “kept behind closed doors”, “don’t air your dirty laundry” or whatever expression one might use.

When the students had finished the leaders of the nation got up and hugged them and allowed the students to weep in their arms. It was a time of great emotion and I am thankful for their response to the words that had been spoken. I believe that change will come, not as fast as we want it to, but the children are speaking out and I, for one, am listening.  And now you are too.

Tomorrow is Fathers day and I weep for the children of Swaziland, but I also know that children all over the world are being abused, raped, enslaved, sold, mistreated, marginalized or even “just” ignored.  You might have had one or more of those things happen to you when you were a child.  You might be one who is doing those things to a child. But know this, El Roi, the “God who Sees” sees YOU.  He knows YOU and He sees all that happens.   

I am so thankful that my father was my protector and encourager.  I am so thankful to have married a man who loves our children and is their protector and encourager.  I am thankful that I am in a place to protect and encourage 33 children who have been brought to the El Roi Baby home and the children who will come after them.

Psalm 68:5 says that He is, “A Father to the fatherless, a defender of the widows, is God in His holy dwelling”.  For that I am thankful.

Live from Swaziland … Happy Fathers Day.

Janine