I am struggling

I find myself crying a lot these days when I sit with Ian at night watching TV.  It’s like I am on overload and don’t know how to “de-frag” my brain or put my world on hold for a time.  But in the morning I go down to the Children’s Campus and am refueled again as I see babies walking whom we thought would never walk. Or children laughing whom we thought may never laugh again.  And then I get a call about another child and the horrific situation that they are in, and my heart sinks and the tears need to be held back until the child is safely at Project Canaan and I am home on the couch again.

We received eight babies in ten days over the past two weeks (!).  That means we now have 135 children whom we are legal guardians for until they finish High School.  We also have 20 babies who we do not have  any funding for. That is a shortfall of $4,500 each and every month.  So, really, I only need 100 of the 1,000+ people who are going to read this blog this week to sign up to give $45 a month to cover them all. OR maybe 45 of you could sign up to give $100 a month?  Or, maybe you would like to make a one-time donation of $2,700 to cover the cost for a whole year?  I don’t know how the Lord is going to provide for His children, but I pray He does (and does it quickly!).

Each of these new babies who arrived has a story worse than the one before.  One little girl is HIV positive, but because her mother dumped her with strangers at 3-months of age, she was never started on treatment.  No one knows her name or when she was born so we “threw a dart” and gave her a birth date of December 17^th and we are calling her Margie.  Can you imagine … she is living with strangers for five months and they didn’t know her name or age?  They guessed that she was 3-months-old when they got her. 

Another baby was dumped in a pit latrine on a Sunday and not found until the following Thursday!  Can you imagine, a newborn baby girl, lying in human waste for FIVE DAYS????  No water, no food, no clothes, only darkness, and many years of urine and feces. AND she lived! And she is only had a few bruises and a bit of swelling on her face!  A MIRACLE for sure.

Five days in a pit latrine and she looked this good!

And then there’s the drought that I keep talking about.  Everywhere we go there is such a sense of helplessness and hopelessness.  I feel guilty when I take a shower that I think is too long and wish that we could water the grass at the baby home campus so that the children aren’t playing in dirt. But then we go out to the community to see elderly people who take all day to walk to and from a nearly dry river to get a bit of water for cooking.  

So this week I am struggling. I am struggling because I miss Spencer and Chloe who seem to be a million miles away in Canada and the US. I am struggling because I feel like I am always asking for money on Facebook and from my blog readers.   I am struggling because I wonder when our Boards of Directors are going to tell me that I am not allowed to bring any more babies to Project Canaan. I am struggling with the tuberculosis that we are dealing with on a daily basis.  I am struggling because I am a “fixer” and this can’t be fixed.  With the drought upon us, every government person or police officer or hospital worker that I speak with says things are going to get worse before they get better. 

And then I go back to the Word of God and see that I really am blessed and should not be carrying these burdens because Matthew 5:1-12 in the Message bible says,:

 “You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

 “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

 “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

 “You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.

 “You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.

 “You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

 “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.

 “You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.

 “Not only that—count yourselves blessed every time people put you down or throw you out or speak lies about you to discredit me. What it means is that the truth is too close for comfort and they are uncomfortable. You can be glad when that happens—give a cheer, even!—for though they don’t like it, I do! And all heaven applauds. And know that you are in good company. My prophets and witnesses have always gotten into this kind of trouble.”

Amen.

Live from Swaziland … He carries me.

Janine

PS – we are getting a 2-month-old baby on Monday.  

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