When you fail as a mother

I clearly remember coming home from the hospital after Spencer was born and feeling completely inexperienced, untrained and totally ill-prepared. With a touch of postpartum depression I imagined the Police arriving with Child Protection Services to our front door to take him away because I had absolutely no qualifications to take care of a newborn baby.  I remember kneeling on the floor, leaning on a chair and sobbing.

Today I have two beautiful children (Spencer 21 and Chloe 19) and they survived and thrived despite their mother’s lack of qualifications, and I am so very proud of the young adults that they have become.

Now I have 117 other children whom I (Ian and I) are legally responsible for and while I feel much more prepared than I did when Spencer arrived, there are so many complicated levels to raising, educating, loving and protecting children.

Last week we had a huge scare at the new Emseni building, and one that made me feel like a total failure as a mother and protector.  We had an electrical fire. 

“Coincidentally” (or because the God is God) I just happened to be in the building, with my friend Pete Wilkerson, when the power went off, the sparks started and fire started to pour down from the ceiling as the plastic light ballast melted.  Within ONE minute the flames were big and hitting the carpet below.  Pete and Allen were able to put the fire out by jumping off the counter top and flicking it with sheets and a teddy bear (not ideal, we know), while I helped the caregivers get all of the children out of the building to safety.

I lost years off my life that day and (more) gray hair suddenly appeared.  Why had that fluke fire happened? How was it possible that Pete and I were in the building for only 90 seconds and in 60 of those seconds a fire had started?  What if we had not been there to help?  And then there was the next level of questions… where was the fire extinguisher?  When did we do our last fire drill?  Why haven’t we installed smoke alarms yet? 

And there I was, a complete failure, again.

Now, if my mom was here she would say, “Jan, you can’t blame yourself for that.  It was not your fault.”  And I would argue with her that it is my responsibility to make sure our children are safe at all times.  We moms carry the weight of the world, my mom taught me that and there is no talking us out of that.  But my mom also taught me that when we are weak, He is strong, and on Tuesday morning our heavenly Father knew exactly where I was to be when that fire started. The fire wasn’t a surprise to Him and He was right there with us to protect His children.

Ian picked me up and brushed me off after a good cry, fire extinguishers were purchased (we do have them in all the other buildings, but they were on back order), smoke alarms are being ordered and an investigation in to the root of the problem is still happening.  We are to give thanks in all things, so I give thanks for His hand of protection over my life and the lives of my family.

“…we are weak, but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me.”

Live from Swaziland… I miss you mom.

Janine

PS – yes Spencer and Chloe I would love a plastic children’s walker for Mother’s Day!  And it’s not too late to shop on our Baby Registry site!

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Everything is dying – we are in a crisis here!

Some of you know that we are praying for rain.  Two of our dams are dry and the Living Water dam is almost too low to pump water and irrigate our crops.  There is no way for us to know how much water is left in the wells that we get our drinking water from.

But our irrigated fields still look green, while the hills surrounding us remain brown, or on fire due to the dry grass and high winds.

The fire up behind the Emseni Children's home last night.  Photo Credit: Chris Cheek.

In June 2015 it was predicted that the drought that was ensuing would kill an estimated 200,000 cattle if there was not immediate government intervention.

See article:  http://www.observer.org.sz/news/73934-200-000-cattle-will-die-due-to-drought-govt.html.

Today I sat down with Anthony and got a report from our work in the surrounding community and with our 27 church partners and I was given a much deeper understanding of what  “drought” really means today in Swaziland.

The number of children seeking food in each of our church partners has increased by 25% in the past two months.

But I was confused.  I asked why the lack of water now would be cause more children to be hungry, when the food they are eating now would have been grown in last years crop?  Here is how it was explained to me.

The maize that is the staple to the Swazi diet is planted in October/November and harvested in March/April.  It is then dried and stored, to be eaten throughout the year.  The harvests in the past decade have decreased and so the maize has not lasted from one year to the next.  Swazi’s have used the “early rains” which typically start falling in mid-September through October to plant back yard gardens, which provides with healthy food quickly while they wait for their maize to be planted and harvested.  Also, they typically are required to sell a cow or some goats to pay for seeds, fertilizer and food to get the family through the gap.

The drought is killing the cattle and thereby leaving Swazi’s in an even more dire situation.  Even we at Project Canaan have lost 5 cows in the past month.  Sickness, heat, snakes and disease are hard to manage even when you have full-time dairy staff, outside expertise and veterinarian support.  The rural Swazi has none of these. 

So, here is what is happening.

There are no cows to sell because thousands have already died and the ones that are still alive are too thin and sickly to sell.  There have been no early rains so the ground is hard and dry and gardens cannot be prepared and planted.  Even many of our church partners who had access to year-around water no longer have it and their gardens have died. 

I also received more deadly news from Gebeni, the community beside us. I was told that there are many people there who are on ART (Anti-retroviral Treatment) for HIV/AIDS who are now stopping their treatment because they know that proper nutrition is a critical part of the efficacy of the medication that is so hard on their internal organs.  Going off treatment will make their infectiousness increase and death will come faster.  UGH!

I did receive some good news while I was in Taiwan, and that was that King Mswati III made a public declaration that the drought was officially over. We are thankful for that and look forward to the rain falling soon.

In the meantime, if you can contribute to our ongoing feeding program we would very much appreciate it.  Thanksgiving is right around the corner and maybe you would consider making one less pie or reduce the variety of wonderful treats and instead give to help us feed the orphans and vulnerable children of Swaziland?  A $50 donation will purchase 110 pounds of maize, which will feed up to 250 children.

Please donate today if you can https://heartforafrica.secure.force.com/pmtx/cmpgn__donations?id=701C0000000U6eS

In Canada please go to:  https://www.heartforafrica.ca/canaandonation.aspx

Live from Swaziland … please pray for rain!

Janine

Another interesting article: http://allafrica.com/stories/201510160752.html